I’d love it if you slow down with me so we can reconnect.I care about our relationship and I won’t do the next thing that hurts or scares you and pulls you deeper into our negative cycle.Our cycle feels like it is present and I want to help alleviate it.I would like to be safe and close to you rather than distant, disconnected, alone, and afraid of what will happen.I realize we are a system and I am affecting you.I realize we are beginning a negative cycle and that I am contributing to it.WHAT IF WHEN WE WERE HAVING DIFFICULTY I TOLD YOU THAT…. INSTEAD, WE GET STUCK IN THESE REPETITIVE CYCLES THAT UPSET US BOTH.īUILDING A SAFE AND SECURE RELATIONSHIP Changing Negative Cycles to Positive Cycles Begins with De-Escalating as a Couple WHEN YOU DO THIS, I FEEL (CHOOSE FROM THE SURFACE FEELINGS ABOVE): I BEHAVE AS I DO (ABOVE) IN THE HOPE THAT (WHAT I LONG FOR IS): BUT WHEN I DO THIS, YOU SEEM TO (CHOOSE FROM THE BEHAVIORS ABOVE): Counter-criticize or counter-blame or counter-attack and say nasty things to you.Try to show why I am right and you are wrong.Find solutions, try to fix it so the conflict will stop or so that you won’t be so upset or angry.Get logical and point out how irrational you are.Point out how you are letting me down or hurting me try to get you to understand how you hurt me.
Try to manipulate to get what I want from you.Anxious Hurt, Not heard, Not valued, Not important.Scared, frightened, Like I want to protect myself.Annoyed, Irritated Despairing, Hopeless.Justified in my anger, Like I have to figure this out myself.WHEN I AM UPSET BY YOU WHEN WE ARE NOT GETTING ALONG, I FEEL (some feelings are on the surface, and some are deeper, less conscious feelings): Pursuers often express underlying emotions, such as feeling hurt, lonely and unwanted, while withdrawers often show feelings of rejection, inadequacy or judgment. Of course, the more times a pursuer tries to contact (usually through nagging, criticizing, and demanding closeness), the withdrawer needs to distance themselves to establish a sense of security.
This is a typical feature of avoidance attachments. On the contrary, the withdrawer often distances themselves from their partner in the form of criticism or rejection to protect themselves from the lack of security in the relationship. A pursuer protests the separation and distance he has experienced in love This indicates an anxious attachment style. One of the first tasks of a therapist is to determine the cycle of negative interactions of a couple, which is conceptualized as a pursue/withdraw pattern in EFT. Negative Cycle EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) Worksheetsīelow are two worksheets to help couples become familiar and map out their negative cycle(s).
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